Whole30 and Marriage: Effort Required

I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to sugar.

When people talk about sweet vs. salty, I'm definitely a sweets girl. And I don't just have a sweet tooth, I have a full mouth of sweet-loving teeth. I'm not quite sure how I've never had a cavity, but I'm not complaining! Some of my favorite things in life are Reese's, black and white cookies, chocolate peanut butter milkshakes. If my husband surprises me with a Frosty, I get WAY more excited than if he bought me flowers (this is embarrassing).

I know it doesn't sound like it but I can actually eat fairly healthy on most days. When I cook, I'm very picky about what types of ingredients I use. And having a toddler constantly eating off my plate makes portion control easier than ever! But even on days when I eat healthy I usually need at least a few chocolate chips or a bit of chocolate syrup added to skim milk just to take the edge off. I knew I had a problem but I just didn't know how to fix it.

My friend told me about the Whole30 plan. The book I bought is called "The Whole30: The 30-Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom." I need food freedom! I want total health! The basic premise is that it's not a diet, but a program that will change your relationship with food and break its control over you. For 30 days you eliminate all foods from your diet that could possibly be inflammatory or disrupt your hormones, gut, metabolism, or immune system.

My husband and I are totally on board and are about to start the Whole30 program in August (prayers please!). In preparation, we've talked to friends that have gone through the program. We've researched recipes, mentally prepared ourselves for what might be challenging in cutting out certain foods. We even figured out some strategies ahead of time for navigating difficult situations. We've spent countless hours before starting it and will spend many more hours with meal prep and cooking in August in order to complete the Whole30 successfully and become healthier individuals.

As I was thinking about Marriage Monday, I had a thought smack me in the face (does that ever happen to you too?!). Do I spend even half of that time working on my marriage? I know eating is a constant and essential need, but our marriages also affect our everyday lives, as well as those around us. The way we go about our marriages can even affect our children  - how they treat others, their views on relationships, and possibly even the person they will eventually marry.

I'm not saying we shouldn't spend time on our health. I am saying that our marriages deserve and need time invested in them as well. We need to be intentional. Just like a healthy body doesn't happen accidentally, or even quickly, you also can't just stumble into a good marriage without putting in any effort.

Spending time working on a marriage may look differently for everyone, but here are a few ideas to help you brainstorm what might work for you. You could try:

- setting aside Marriage Monday time to discuss a blog post over dinner (I wonder where you could find one of those? Hmm...)
- planning a much-needed date night out to keep the spark alive
- putting the kids to bed and spending time praying for each other
- reading and discussing a marriage book, such as Sacred Marriage or Love & Respect
- creating a budget together to reduce money fights. Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University is great for guidance on this!

What is one way you can (or do) set aside time to work on your marriage?

Change Your Perspective to Change Your Marriage

I love nothing more than having readers from all different types of backgrounds and walks of life. Discussions are more interesting that way and I love to learn and grow! That being said, this specific post will be mainly directed to fellow Christians who love Jesus. If you don't fall into that category, you are still welcome along for the ride this week! You may still get a healthy discussion out of it with your spouse!

Today we are going to discuss a concept that is one of the main differences that sets apart a marriage between two Christians versus any other marriage. It is what gives those marriages a purpose greater than just the sum of the two.

The other day I heard a verse I've heard many times before: "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men" (Colossians 3:23, ESV). Growing up, I've applied it to schoolwork, chores, and later my job. But for some reason it never crossed my mind to apply it to my marriage until I saw it in the full context of the chapter. Future note to self: always remember to look at the full context of the chapter! Ha.

I had to mull it over. This was a doozy! What would it look like if I gave selflessly in my marriage for God instead of my just my husband?

Right before this verse, Paul gave instructions to various groups of people with applications according to their roles. Husbands and wives were among these to love and submit. It's humorous that it seems like God knew what our immediate protest would be:

But he doesn't love me the way I need!
But she is so mean!
But he is selfish!
But she is disrespectful!

So of course the very next verse puts an end to our seemingly justified excuses why he or she doesn't deserve it. Do it for the Lord, not your husband who isn't acting very loving at the moment. Do it for the Lord, not your wife who just let you down yet again.

We need to ask ourselves - what is our ultimate motivation? Is it your spouse's behavior? He or she is imperfect and will not always deserve your love or respect at the moment. But God is always perfect. He is very deserving of our obedience, so our motivation can stay constant if we make that our main focus and goal.

One thing that sweetens the pot is that the following verse states that we "will receive the inheritance as your reward" since we are "serving the Lord Christ" (v. 24).

Those of you who are lovers of justice and all things being "fair" in the world, especially when your spouse really doesn't seem deserving at the moment, you can take comfort in the following: "For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality" (v. 25). You can be a rockstar wife or husband, doing it purely for God, even when your spouse doesn't "deserve" it. You can rest easy knowing that when they are in the wrong, it does not go unnoticed. But your actions will be seen and rewarded. Basically, let God take care of your spouse's actions and just be concerned with yourself.

So when you see dirty laundry on the floor yet again, don't just leave it knowing your spouse should have to pick it up. Do it for the Lord. When your spouse verbally berates you and you want to yell back with an equally scathing comment, instead use your words to build him or her up because your focus is on pleasing God.

What is hard to do for an imperfect spouse, is infinitely easier to do for a perfect heavenly Father. If you can change your perspective, you can change your marriage.

Marriage is a Big, Fat, Ugly Mirror

"I was a much better parent before I had kids." Yes, SO TRUE! There is nothing like actually being a parent to show you how difficult raising a child can be. Parenting aside, I thought I was a much better person before I got married. I had no idea one person could have so many flaws... and I am talking about myself!

Marriage is a big, fat, ugly, intrusive mirror in your face at all times. Any flaws you didn't know you had will be instantly visible and thrown at you, and flaws you were already aware of will be amplified a million times. Single people - sounds like fun, right?

An unmarried person in a dating relationship can easily walk away if they feel uncomfortable after seeing a glimpse of their selfishness. In fact, they may blame it on the other person and not realize the problem was actually on their own end. But selfishness and flaws in a marriage immediately affect the other person and thus, have to be fixed.

In my case, my ugly marriage mirror showed me I have a bossy streak. I am a first born child with three younger siblings. Growing up, being a momma hen had its advantages and was even necessary at times, but being bossy and taking over situations unnecessarily in a marriage is not a good thing. If I hadn't seen how negatively it affected my husband, I would never have had to make a change and keep it in check. (More later on how birth order affects marriage, coming soon in a post series. Get excited!) I've had to learn how to tame my tongue and do my best to not hurt my husband with my words. Read more about that in this blog post. I saw that I was critical at times, which I had to fix in order to not push out my husband from helping alongside me. And I honestly never realized how lazy I can be at times until I saw how hardworking my husband is!

“If you want to be free to serve Jesus, there’s no question—stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to become more like Jesus, I can’t imagine any better thing to do than to get married. Being married forces you to face some character issues you’d never have to face otherwise.” - Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

Even though it can be difficult seeing all of our imperfections thrown in our face so clearly, God uses marriage to grow us, shape us, and mold us to look more like Him.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Prov. 27:17, NIV).

I asked my husband what he thought of the ugly marriage mirror. He replied with this:

"I think I'm a better person since becoming married. When I was single I could carry on as I wanted, only thinking about me as my daily decisions mostly only affected me. As a married man, I am forced to deal with my selfishness, flaws, imperfections, shortcomings and insecurities. Living with someone who knows you more than anyone on the planet brings these things to the surface like nothing else can." - Lane Sebring, aka "Hubby"

So there you have it. We are both imperfect, flawed human beings. Once confronted with a clear image of ourselves that our spouses will not sugar coat, we are forced to continually work on ourselves. We both fail at this every day, multiple times a day when we try to fix this on our own. So we are forced to turn to God to help us become better spouses. It is not easy or fun seeing the flawed reflection of my sin nature, but I am thankful I have that big, fat, ugly mirror in my face to force me to become a better version of myself, one that day by day looks a bit more like Jesus.

What has your marriage mirror forced you to change that has helped you become a better person and improved spouse?

Five Simple Tips To Get Your Husband to Help Out Around the House

Paige threw her hands up in frustration. “My husband rarely helps out with the kids,” she grumbled. Her friend Elise chimed in, “Mine too. And I feel like I'm completely alone in cleaning our house. You would think he doesn’t even notice the mess.” Unfortunately, this is all too common.

As any good counselor would tell you, you can't change your husband’s behavior, but you can change your own. Although in some cases it certainly could be due to a lazy, selfish husband who may never change, I’ve found that’s usually not the case. Most of the time a husband truly wants to make his wife happy but he often don’t know how to help. Or his wife has completely pushed him out from helping, whether or not she realized what she was doing.

I think we can all agree that there’s no such thing as a perfect wife. So let’s each go into this with an open mind to see if there could possibly be, just mayyybe, an area that we can each make a positive change to benefit our marriage. It’s worth a shot, right? So read on for five simple tips that could be the ticket to get your husband to help out more.

1. Avoid nagging. For how often wives do this (myself included), one would assume that nagging must actually work. Dictionary.com’s definition of “nag” is “to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands.” If it worked, a wife wouldn’t have to keep nagging! There would be no need for the persistent, on-going complaints. There must be a better way.

2. Don’t insist on your idea of perfection. When we had our first baby, I was so excited that I had a husband willing to change diapers. One day, I noticed him fastening the adhesive strips in an odd spot, resulting in a bunched up diaper. I almost said something, assuming my way was the correct way, but thankfully stopped myself. Is it really going to hurt our daughter if her diaper is on a bit different? No. Hubby diapered our baby without me having to lift a finger. I consider that a win! Decide now – do you want everything done “perfectly” (i.e. your way) or would you rather an enthusiastic, willing husband?

Similar to all snowflakes being unique, I’m convinced there’s no two people in the entire world that load the dishwasher the exact same way. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that has opened the dishwasher to load a plate, only to proceed to take several minutes moving items around until I got them to my liking. Over time I’ve become much better about letting that go. I try to remind myself there are dishes in the dishwasher that I didn’t have to load. And they will come out clean, even if they are not in my ideal formation. Hurray!

Besides learning to be okay letting my husband do things his own way, there have been times where I’ve found his way to be (*gasp*) even better! Guys sometimes have a different way of viewing things, often outside of the box. Females have been taught standard ways of doing things that get passed down from generation to generation, often without questioning the status quo. When I’ve actually stopped to ask Hubby why he does something a different way, it often makes even more sense than the way I do it! Take a step back, let go of the reigns and expectations that things need to be done a certain way, and you may be pleasantly surprised.

3. Ditch the criticism. I know this can be a tough habit to break, but this can be toxic to a marriage so it is important to practice biting your tongue. If it is a common theme in your marriage, you should go as far as asking for forgiveness before moving on. Back to the diaper example, imagine if I had said to my husband, “No, that diaper is on all wrong. That looks ridiculous the way you did that!” Can you guess how eager my husband would have been to change another diaper? I would have instantly become the sole diaper changer in my household. Guys hate failing. If they feel like they can’t do something well, they often won’t attempt it at all in order to save face. Don’t be the reason your husband gives up helping out because he knows you will criticize his technique.

But what if he really doesn’t know how to do something correctly that is important to be done a particular way? Sometimes situations can be a safety issue. For example, if your husband isn’t correctly fastening your precious baby in their car seat. In those situations, you should…

4. Teach gently. Most females are natural caregivers. But somewhere along the way, even we had to learn some tips and tricks. No matter how simple it may seem, we aren’t born knowing how to change a diaper. It’s not intuitive to know how to scramble an egg or even do laundry if no one has ever shown you how to do it. I actually had to call my mom from college, staring at the coin-operated washing machine in the basement of my dorm, and ask how to wash my clothes. Yep, that happened. Things that seem common sense to us are not always intuitive.

Some caregiver traits have been modeled for us over time, which is why we often pick them up faster than our husbands once we try them. And other household or child-rearing tasks we have learned over time through trial and error, yet we don’t give our husbands the same grace to figure it out on their own, making some mistakes along the way.

When we first got married, Hubby thought he just wasn’t talented in the cooking arena. I knew I didn’t have it in me to cook three meals a day, seven days a week, so I gradually taught him how to cook some simple meals. We would put on some music and cook and laugh together. I’ve always liked the quote: “I love to cook with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food!” Basically, make it a fun learning experience, whatever that looks like for you.

After Hubby learned some cooking basics, he quickly surpassed my skill level. Apparently he was a natural! He now makes breakfast almost every day, which is super helpful since I’m usually tied up nursing our little one first thing in the morning or am still groggy if she kept me up at night. The key is to gently and lovingly teach, just the way someone once taught you.

5. Give positive reinforcement and encouragement. I do not mean to manipulate your husband or give false flattery. I simply mean you should celebrate the wins. Give praise where it is due. When your husband raves about a meal you made or says, “You are such a good momma”, it feels GOOD! Why not return the favor and spread some joy? A bit of positive reinforcement can go a long way, especially if it is your husband’s first time attempting something.

If it feels awkward at first to praise your husband, try texting it to him. A quick, “You looked so sexy today when you vacuumed” could result in him wanting to clean the floors daily! Or tell him, “I really appreciate you bathing the kids and putting them to bed tonight. Now I have extra energy for you (wink, wink)!”

Let’s discuss:

Wives, which of these tips do you already excel at? Which ones do you think you may need to tweak? Other thoughts?

Husbands, are there other tips that could be added to the list?

Spouse vs. Parents: Who Wins in the Priorities War?

Steven sighs as he hears his wife, Lisa, on the phone with her mom. Lisa's mom is trying to guilt them into flying out to Arizona again for Christmas. Although their finances are tight and it will put a strain on the family, he knows Lisa won't say no to her mom. In fact, Lisa would probably be fine spending all holidays with her family if it were up to her. He dreams of the day they can start their own Christmas traditions in their home with their two kids.

Courtney and Tyler finally arrive home from the hospital with their newborn baby. Exhausted, they open the door to their house, only to find Tyler's parents already inside, cooking and cleaning. This would normally be a welcome sight except for the fact that they are always over there, never giving them any space. In fact, a year ago they had demanded to have their own key to their house, and Tyler  gave them one, not wanting to rock the boat. Courtney cringed as they immediately started chastising her for not bundling the baby properly and grabbed the baby without even asking. She is on the verge of tears, wishing for quiet time alone to bond with her new baby. If only her husband would stand up to them and say something, but he doesn't want to hurt their feelings.

These situations are all too familiar. I absolutely love counseling newly engaged couples alongside my pastor-husband. We cover the usual topics - communication, conflict resolution, sex, finances, etc. But we also spend an abnormal amount of time discussing one topic in particular, leaving and cleaving, because we've seen many marriages struggle in this area. It may seem like a harmless issue, but it can create a huge rift between spouses if left unchecked. 

What exactly is "leaving and cleaving?"
If you haven't heard of this phrase before, it is referenced from the Bible. After God created man and woman and the first marriage was formed, God said: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24, ESV). Thus, the concept of leaving one's family of origin and cleaving to the new spouse, forming a completely new family unit. 

In most weddings, the father walks his daughter down the aisle and gives her away to her husband. This is not only symbolic, but needs to happen in reality in order for a marriage to survive and thrive. There needs to be an immediate shift in loyalty as soon as those vows are spoken.

While counseling premarital couples, we explain what it means when you take those vows. You are saying you vow to love your spouse and put their needs above any other human being on this earth, including yourself. Your primary focus and allegiance shifts from your parents, siblings, friends, or whatever it may be before marriage, to your spouse.

But aren't we commanded to obey our parents?
Yes and no. It's actually children who are commanded to obey their parents (Col. 3:20, Eph. 6:1, Prov. 1:8, Prov. 6:20). Although we can, and should, continue to honor and respect our parents (Ex. 20:12, Deut. 5:16), the instruction to obey is for children still living in their parents' home, not a married adult. Just as you can obey without honoring (a kid throwing a fit and then grumbling the whole time while having to load the dishwasher), we can also honor without obeying our parents. We can be thoughtful and respectful to our parents, while not needing to follow their every directive, especially if it negatively affects our marriage.

Okay, so what does "cleaving" look like and how do I do it?
Just over five years ago, my now-husband and my dad sat in IHOP. Over pancakes, my dad's blessing was given for him to propose. My husband later told me the profound advice my dad gave him. My dad said (and I quote very loosely since I wasn't there): "Once married, the two of you will be your own family unit. When making decisions for your family, you have to decide what is best for you and your wife. Not what is best for anyone else. You can tell others that, while you appreciate their input, you, and only you are responsible for your family. That is who you will give account for and be responsible for. Not me, not your own parents, and not your friends." 

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for a father that understands the importance of leaving and cleaving. But that does not mean that Lane and I have never had to set boundaries for others to protect our family unit and marriage. Lane was a seemingly natural at this. However, I am a complete people-pleaser at heart, so I had problems doing this at first. A few years ago, I read Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend which helped me out immensely. It is a book that I will most likely need to read and re-read for the rest of my life in order to help me work towards perfecting those principles. Especially when dealing with parents and that delicate relationship, it is so useful to read through how to respond in a loving, but firm way, and feeling empowered and freed to set necessary boundaries.

Another important aspect of this issue that we tell our premarital couples is this: if it is your parents causing the issue in the marriage, it is your responsibility to be the one to stand up to them and enforce the boundary. They can be mad at their daughter or son for a bit and get over it (usually), but if your spouse is the one to stand up to your parents, they may go into protective mode of their child, and the rift may never be forgiven.

If you are not sure if you side with your parents and put them first, ask your spouse for their honest opinion. Discuss what would help put your marriage back as first priority. It may be hard to confront your parents. For decades, you (rightly) followed their lead, but now a shift needs to take place. It may even take talking to a professional counselor to help you create a strategy and formulate what to say. It also might be a sibling, aunt, uncle, friend, or even a boss that is creating out of alignment priorities. Again, I highly recommend reading the Boundaries book. I'd love to discuss it with you!

Whatever it takes, your marriage deserves to be first priority. You stood before your family and friends and pledged your love and loyalty to your spouse, not your mom, not your dad, and certainly not your friends.


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Elevate Your Marriage - with Kathi Lipp

As I invite you along in my journey to learn more about marriage, there will be times that I will share amazing insights and wisdom from others that I stumble across. Since I'm constantly reading tons of articles, posts, research studies, etc, you get the added bonus of letting me do the heavy work of filtering through it all and sharing only the good stuff! And of course, please feel free to share what you are learning with me as well. Let's continue to help each other out, share information, and encourage one another in our marriages!

Earlier today I read an article from Proverbs 31 Ministries by Kathi Lipp that really impacted me. In "Looking for the Good in Your Man" Kathi asks, "Why is it so easy to hear criticism when love is intended?" I think this happens so easily and is more common than we realize. Once I am hurt, I filter any following statements or actions through that lens. Kathi lists three ways we can be intentional about looking for love from our husbands. Read more here and then come back to join the discussion!

One of my favorite quotes from that article is:

"Be a noticer of good things and call them out in your husband. A husband who feels respected and appreciated, just for being who he is, walks differently in the world." 

That is so true! I want my husband to feel respected and appreciated. One of the ways I intentionally look for love from my husband and acknowledge it out loud to him is through our weekly Marriage Monday talks. We both take turns answering the question, "How did you feel loved this past week?" It forces me to stop, reflect, and celebrate the good.

What are some ways that you can intentionally notice good things in your husband? How will you communicate it to him?

And They Lived Happily Ever After... or did they?

I'm about to admit something pretty embarrassing, so please don't judge. I love watching reality shows. There. I said it. I know there is absolutely no intellectual value being added to my life by watching them, but that's kind of the point. After a long hard day with the kiddos, I just want to veg out and not have to think about anything of importance. A side perk is I always end up feeling amazing about my own life after watching. My favorite at the moment is ABC's The Bachelorette. After watching each episode, you will often find me telling my husband, "I'm SO GLAD I don't have to deal with the mess of dating anymore! And you are so much better than any of the bachelorette's dating options!" So again, don't be so quick to judge - it actually helps improve my personal marital happiness.

As much as I try to watch without any quality expectations and often roll my eyes during some scenes, occasionally I hear something that really makes me cringe. One statement on this season's first episode almost alarmed me. See if you can guess what is wrong with her statement:

"I’m so ready for love. I hope on that final day that there’s someone that I love more than anyone down on one knee proposing to me... I’m so excited. I cannot wait to find the person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with! And be done. And be happy.” - JoJo Fletcher, The Bachelorette

Little girls grow up reading fairy tales where their prince sweeps them off their feet and they live happily ever after. Some guys think once they find the wife of their dreams, all their problems will be solved and life will be easier. Other singles may dream of never again having to feel lonely, if only they could find their soulmate. If you are married, you obviously know none of this is true. Life doesn't get instantly easier once you say, "I do." The fairy tale doesn't start the moment you walk down the aisle - that's when the real hard work begins. And I probably know more married people who are lonely even within their marriages than my lonely single friends.

This idea of "happily ever after" is a grossly incorrect expectation that sets us up for failure. Spouses aren't meant to make us happy or complete us. To place all of your needs and happiness on the imperfect person you married will always leave you lacking. Thank goodness we have a perfect God who can fulfill all of our needs and give us a joy that is not dependent on our circumstances. We need to understand that our spouses are flawed and will inevitably let us down, possibly even on a daily basis. This acknowledgment actually frees us up to have an even better marriage. 

Take a moment to think about your own marriage. What unreasonable expectations are you putting on your spouse that you instead need to look to God to take care of?